I would be willing to take a guess that there is a significant proportion of the neurotypical population who, even once educated and profess to understand the struggles of ADHD, retain a small, nagging suspicion that some of those struggles are more of a ‘won’t’ than a ‘can’t’…
We are all unique and we can never truly know what it is like to be somebody else. However, neurotypicals share a way of processing information and regulating emotions that means their perceptions of - and reactions to - the world around them differ significantly to those with ADHD.
As human beings we like to categorise people, and when it comes to the behaviour of others, it can be quite binary because of the way the typical brain understands the actions of others. When we see someone behaving in a certain way, the information is sent to a part of the brain where it is processed from the perspective of
“If that were me, why would I be doing that?”
From this conclusions are drawn; either I understand this or I don’t understand this. When it comes to neurological and psychological differences this binary categorisation persists. If the behaviour is so unusual that the brain doesn’t recognise it at all, it might conclude that this is a clinical or psychological issue. If the brain recognises the behaviour, it may then come to conclusions which naturally lead to value judgements.
And Houston, this is where we have a problem.
Many of the challenges in ADHD manifest as behaviours which neurotypicals might interpret as wilful - “When I do X it is because Y”. So, conclusions are drawn, such as:
“When I miss a deadline it is because I have been lazy”
“When I lose things it is because I haven’t bothered to organise things properly”
“When I am not listening it is because I am not interested”
These judgements touch those with ADHD regularly from childhood and often throughout their lives – from parents, teachers, siblings, friends, partners, colleagues, managers. They are used to hearing:
“You are just being lazy”
“You are so dramatic”
“Why are you so chaotic?”
“Why aren’t you listening?”
‘Why do you take things so personally?”
“Concentrate!” “Focus!” “Listen!”
When we consider it in this way, it is not difficult to see how ADHD challenges lead to low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Not least because those with ADHD are well aware that others think they have more control over their challenges than they do – and those people are often the ones with whom they have the closest relationships.
So if you are neurotypical and there is somebody in your life who has ADHD, start challenging your biases and change your perspective to think how you can support rather than judge.
Because you CAN do this. Wilfully.