Many times throughout my career I have been told that I can’t take feedback (for the purpose of this article, when I talk about feedback I am referring to the so-called ‘constructive’ kind) . And I’ll let you into a little secret… Most of the time I can’t.

I have so many issues with this obsession with feedback. This is in the main part because of what I like to call ‘dot-to-dot management’. The dilution of complex social interactions to pithy acronyms that are supposed to magically lead to enlightenment and heightened performance. Managers being sent on course after course, being equipped with a whole package of tools, models and acronyms that are rarely implemented well in the real world, and if they are, most of the time pretty badly. I can hear the distant rumble of protestors as they march the way towards me with their objections – please, hear me out first.

My first issue is this. There is a complexity to the dynamics between a manager and employee that means it is very difficult for either party to be entirely objective, unless there is a deep understanding and trust between the two. This may sound counter-intuitive, but if as a manager you give feedback to somebody without truly understanding that person or the situation, then your feedback is based entirely on your own judgement. Therefore, it is subjective. Objective means that you have no feelings about the feedback you are giving, that you are merely stating a fact. How can that be when there is an existing relationship between the two parties? Most feedback is based on opinion and not pure fact so therefore by its very nature cannot be objective.

Besides the above there are so many dynamics at play that can affect the quality of the feedback. There is the relationship history of the two parties, the power dynamic between the two, the degree of similarity between the two, and how much they respect one another. There are issues of unconscious bias, misunderstanding, pressures to achieve a goal, personalities. We must also consider hidden differences.

With the current lack of understanding of neurodiversity in the workplace, there are numerous pitfalls that managers can fall in to. Without understanding the complexities of neurodivergent conditions, managers may find themselves interacting with such employees in ways that are either damaging or discriminative.

Let’s take for example an autistic employee. Without understanding the various nuances and challenges that the person has, you may find that you give feedback on an action or behaviour that is a result of the condition. In addition, when giving feedback, managers may not be clear and specific, or use language with hidden meaning. This could then lead to a mistake being repeated, and the employee ending up distressed or, worse, in a formal process, that could then lead to a discrimination case. There was a landmark case recently where an autistic employee won an employment tribunal partly on the basis that the manager had not tried to understand the employee’s disability which had then led to him developing an anxiety disorder. There is a big push for organisation’s to employ neurodivergent employees, and to understand the value they can bring to the workplace. However, without educating managers, and indeed all staff, on neurodiversity, employers run the risk of causing some employees significant distress, affecting their psychological safety and thus their ability to bring their best to their roles.

So let’s step outside of neurodiversity for a moment. Wouldn’t the workplace be significantly better and organisation’s performance significantly higher if instead of playing dot-to-dot management, each manager (person) took time to genuinely understand every employee (person) in order to give them the best shot at performing to their potential? I repeat the word person because that is all this is, an interaction between two people. Forget hierarchy, forget, acronyms, forget feedback – just use common sense.

So back to where I started… Why can’t I take feedback?

Firstly, I hate the word feedback. When someone utters the words ‘Can I give you some feedback?’ (because the pithy acronyms often mention that you should always ask permission) it always reminds of when somebody uses the passive-aggressive ‘With all due respect…’ (flagging that they are just about to disrespect you) Neuroscience research has shown that even mention of the word feedback elicits a stress response which can increase the heart rate by 50%. Feedback should be left to computers, data, technology. People should have conversations. They should be kind, have integrity and seek to understand first. The same neuroscience research says that so called ‘feedback cultures’ can only develop if control remains with the individual. This means that the individual should ask when they want feedback and it should always be solicited. The role of the leader is to create the psychological safety that will allow this to become the norm.

Secondly, I have ADHD. I have often been told on occasion that I ‘over-react’ or that I am ‘being dramatic’. Nope. This is a symptom of my condition called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It is very, very real and very painful. I’m sure you probably weren’t aware of this condition were you? The problem is, when I tell someone I have ADHD they look at me in absolute utter confusion or they laugh, because without understanding ADHD fully, as a 45 year old successful professional and mother, I don’t fit the stereotypical disruptive, naughty 9 year old little boy. (I have to confess, there are times where I want to respond by getting up and start throwing things around the room. Just to confuse them even further)

So here is the thing. I am happy for someone who understands me and who I respect to talk to me about how I can get better at the things I do. But if you want to play dot-to-dot with me, or mention the word feedback, I will ask you to pack up your ‘gift’ and next time you won’t be invited to the party.